Dear Friends:

Recently I came across a website that would provide me with eternal happiness.

My birthday is October 28th, and since all of you are my friends and want nothing more than for me to be happy, you should greatly consider buying me one of these super cool things for my birthday.

I’m being serious. Even though I may never leave my apartment because I would spend all of my time doing cool things with my new best friend and you would probably never see me again, I honestly think my happiness is worth it.