as this year is ending…

I’ve been looking back on the past year for the past couple of days, and I can honestly say that though I regret many of the decisions I made over the course of 2008, I’m satisfied with how everything played out overall.

I made bad choices and got into a relationship that was completely toxic,
but
I’ve grown as a person, and I’ve learned not to be completely desperate and assume that if I’m good enough for someone, they deserve me.

because of toxic relationship, I stopped going to class and eventually medically withdrew,
but
I’ve been gaining life experience, and I feel like that is more important than anything I’ll ever learn in a classroom. I’ve also had time to actually think about what I want to do with my life, and I’m pretty sure that I almost have it right.

also because of toxic relationship, I went through a period of my life where I was completely codependent on drugs/alcohol,
but
I haven’t smoked pot or taken painkillers since April, and I’ve realized the detrimental effect they have on my life. I also stopped drinking for 2 months, and I can now control my intake and how often I drink.

I’m so much happier now than I think I’ve been my whole life. it’s a weird feeling for me since I’m so used to proclaiming my woes to the world. for now, I can’t honestly complain about anything.

I have the greatest friends in the world. they mean everything to me, and I don’t know where I’d be without them.

everyday I go to work, I feel like I’m making a difference in the world, however slight it may be. the self-satisfaction I get from working at Bancroft is greater than I will ever get working somewhere else.

I have two adorable kittens named Dexter and Jackson. despite the wreckage that is my bathroom every morning when I walk into it, I love them to death. my apartment would be so lonely without them.

my sister is pregnant for the fifth time, and she just found out she’s having another girl. my four nieces are the most adorable girls in the entire world. Madelyn has done amazing transitioning into kindergarten. Mia has finally learned her shapes and colors (she was busy bossing people around before). Isabella learns more and more words every day. Ava has made an awesome recovery. She’s sitting up by herself and so close to crawling. she can finally fit into jeans, and she’s almost busting out of them too. 3 months ago, my family would have never predicted this, but we’re so grateful she’s finally getting healthy.

I’m generally good-looking, and all the girls want me. haha. but seriously, the fact that I’m attractive makes me happy. so what? I’m a little bit self-centered.

I’m going to Lock Haven to bring in 2009. I’m excited to be with my 2 best friends from high school and party with them like before. it’s going to be a sad New Year’s though, but we’re going to get through it.

so as I type all of this out and reread, I still don’t have any complaints. 2008 was a good year, and I’m sure the next is going to be even better.

<3

sometimes I really love my life, and I find myself looking for anything to blog about at all.

I love my job, still. even after getting the crap beat out of me several times and getting spit on. there aren’t enough words in the world to describe how accomplished working at a place such as my place of employment makes me feel. I’m glad I found stability and happiness. it’s more than I could ever ask for.

I’ve made new friends, and I’m so happy to have met the person who brought these people into my life. although I’m not completely positive what exactly is going on there, I’m so happy to have met her. if nothing else, she’s a great friend.

and probably my most favorite – I’ve completely reconciled with all of my old friends that I ever cared about from the very beginning. you have no idea how happy this makes me. I’m so much happier hanging out with them now than I used to be (probably because an integral part to my unhappiness is no longer in my life… thank god). we’ve all changed so much for the better, and I love the new people that we’ve become. I’m so happy that I met them, and although times were really rough at some points, I’m glad that it finally worked out the way it was supposed to.

lastly, LADY GAGA TOMORROW AT SHAMPOO. HOLLER.

A revelation of sorts…

As you probably already know, the Philadelphia Phillies won the World Series on Wednesday, October 29, 2008 for the first time in 28 years and only the second time ever.

Great. Why am I mentioning this? I don’t even like sports.

I live in Philadelphia, and I was present for the mayhem that ensued shortly after the game ended. People crowded the streets screaming and yelling. Passengers hung out of car windows with their beer in tote cheering and stopping to give passersby high fives. Fans climbed to the tops of newsstands and bus stops egging the masses on. For Christ’s sake, there were people hanging from the traffic lights and street signs.

My friends and I joked that you could have gotten away with murder in the city that night as long as you were yelling “GO PHILLIES!” in the process.

While on our way home from Spring Garden, my friends and I saw an older woman carrying Obama/Biden lawn signs. We stopped, and she was more than happy to pass two through my window.

After it took us damn near an hour to get from Spring Garden back to South Philly, my best friend and I decided that this was the perfect time to campaign for Obama. I mean, seriously, everyone that lives in Philadelphia was on the streets. I can’t say that we were met with much enthusiasm.

We carried our signs with pride, and we told everyone we passed to vote for Obama. We were met with responses such as:

“You’re ruining the World Series.”

“Ew.”

“Fuck you. Go Phillies.”

I can honestly say that we were met with a positive response by only a handful of people.

Then it hit me. If all of these people were even half as excited as they were after that game about issues that are important, this world would be a different place. If all of those people cared about politics as much as sports, maybe there wouldn’t be inequality and poverty.

Maybe I would be able to get married someday. Maybe I wouldn’t. Maybe I would have the opportunity to make the same wage as a male working the same job. Maybe I wouldn’t. I’m not saying that everything would be exactly as I would want it to be if everyone got out there to vote, but maybe it would be.

That’s when I started telling people that I’m glad they care about one night more than the next four years of their lives.

I couldn’t even begin to guess how many people were out on the streets that night celebrating the Phillies victory, but one thing I do know is that half of those people will not be standing in lines on Election Day waiting to cast their ballot. There won’t be people celebrating in masses if Obama wins, or even if McCain does.

So this is why I’m urging you to get out there and vote on Tuesday, November 4th. We have been given the ability to change the direction our country is going by being able to choose our leaders. We have the chance to make a difference. We have the opportunity to make our voices be heard. In harsh times like these, would you want to look back and wonder what would be different if you had voted or be proud because the candidate you voted for is making a difference?

I look like an assault victim.

no joke.

my left eye is black and blue from being smacked across the face numerous times. I have open wounds from being scratched thousands of times all over both my arms, and I have bruises all over my arms from being grabbed and pinched.

I don’t know what to do with my life.

argh!

someone. dropped. the. ball.

after a very harrowing experience at the human resources department at the great organization that is bancroft neurohealth, I was informed that my health insurance and other benefits kicked in on august 1st not september 1st. turns out that when I switched to working in education the date changed because the programs are different. so why didn’t anybody inform me of this? my theory is that the whole world is out to get me, and that’s what I’m sticking with.

why does this matter to me so much? my. chest. hurts. so. bad. as avid readers know, my youngest niece was terribly sick for almost half of the short life she’s lived thus far. I regret not informing all of you of this sooner, but all is well now. she was diagnosed with whooping cough. my whole family that was in contact with her were vaccinated so that there was no chance they would contract the infection. one problem: my older sister, Jaime, and I no longer live at home. it had completely slipped everyone’s mind that we were in contact with her while we were home, thus, no vaccinations. fast forward four months: my older sister was diagnosed with whooping cough. my chest has hurt for the past three weeks at least. I mean, maybe I’m just paranoid, but I really wish someone would have told me I could have seen a doctor instead of waiting weeks to get something checked out that could potentially be dangerous.

thank you, bancroft. something like this really shows me whose side you’re really on.
(I don’t even know what that means, but it sounded like a vengeful way to end an otherwise unimportant post).

I’m so bad at this blogging thing.

I think the reason I’m so bad at blogging lately has been because I use writing as an outlet when I’m upset or I have a lot of my mind, but recently, that hasn’t been the case for once. I like the way my life is going currently.

I transferred from working residentially on campus to working in the school at work. I actually work normal hours now so I can have a life! plus, it’s always nice to have a few extra people around if your kid is giving you a hard time.

my health insurance kicks in on september 1st. it’s always nice to know that your health is insured especially when you’ve been having chest pain and congestion for the better part of the last week, and it’s starting to get harder and harder to breathe.

I like starting new friendships with old acquaintances. it’s so weird to think that you knew a person for a few years and made small talk, but you never really knew any of the important stuff about them. talking to new people makes me happy.

new friendships with new people are also pretty great. especially when the new friend is cute, and she likes you :)

new cell phones are amazing. I got this yesterday when I was hanging out with my good friend Steven. I’m pretty sure I’ve fallen in love.

restarting new friendships with people you’ve had a falling out with is also nice. I’ve realized that it’s stupid to hold grudges. I know this is cliche, but life’s too short to hold something against someone else after the situation has long blown over.

I can’t think of anything else that makes me especially happy at the moment. perhaps I’ll update more later.

a minor update

so… it’s been a while, and I’m just gonna say — things are wayyy different.

daddy found out that I medically withdrew last semester. he wasn’t too pleased, but he’s over it now. he was most upset that I was hiding it from him. I guess I should have just been honest with him. oh well.

daddy also lost his job. he and a few other guys made a mistake when they were fixing machines and forgot to turn the safety on. since this was their first offense, it would make sense that they would just get a written or verbal warning; however, all 4 of them got suspended immediately. needless to say, my dad wasn’t too happy. he quit.

because daddy lost his job, I am now an uninsured individual. not like that really means anything because I was uninsured for as long as 9 months at one point. this is honestly like the 5th time I’ve been without insurance. it’s nbd.

mommy left her daycare. she had been spending so much time at my sister’s house helping her out with her daycare and with baby ava because she’s been so sick that she just didn’t feel like going back after everything had settled down. so she didn’t.

I’m super happy that my parents are doing what makes them happy, even though it does have repercussions on my life (i.e. not having insurance). it gives me faith that they’re just going to trust me when I tell them that I’m doing what makes me happy.

because I medically withdrew last semester and I now have no insurance to see a mental health professional, I cannot return to Temple for the fall semester. even if I had been able to start seeing someone, I don’t think I would have returned in the fall anyway. I’m over school. well, more importantly, I think I’m over Temple. the major reason that I wanted to go to Temple was because I wanted to be in the city. it didn’t occur to me that I could live in the city without going to college. someone dropped the ball when they were giving me life counseling.

I recently started working at Bancroft NeuroHealth in south jersey. I’ve only been there for the past two weeks, and I’ve only been on campus for three days; however, I’m happy there. for the first time in my life, I feel like I’m where I’m supposed to be and I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing. I’ve always wanted to work in the special education field, but I always felt like I would be limited to teaching. that’s why I haven’t pursued it before now. since I ended up here, I feel like dropping out of school was the best thing that could have happened. when I finally get back in classes, Bancroft offers classes (FREE!) from different colleges and tuition reimbursement. even if I don’t want to start pursuing a degree right away, I can even take classes for different certifications that would help me if I should choose to leave Bancroft and work at another facility in this field. even though I get severely underpaid for the work that I’m doing, it’s all okay because the rewards I’ll get from this job will make everything worthwhile in the end.

for once, I feel like everything is going to work out. it’s an odd feeling, but I can’t complain.

Dear Friends:

Recently I came across a website that would provide me with eternal happiness.

My birthday is October 28th, and since all of you are my friends and want nothing more than for me to be happy, you should greatly consider buying me one of these super cool things for my birthday.

I’m being serious. Even though I may never leave my apartment because I would spend all of my time doing cool things with my new best friend and you would probably never see me again, I honestly think my happiness is worth it.

…

I went home this weekend. it was a nice change. sometimes I like being there, often not so much.

my parents were all concerned about me because my hand was in a cast and all fucked up. sometimes I like having people pity me.

I spent a lot of time at my sister’s house because both of my parents have become mostly permanent fixtures since Ava’s been sick.

on Sunday, I went to my grandmother’s house. I took Isabella with me, and we walked. it was only a 3 block walk, at most, but Isabella wasn’t having it. every time she got sick of walking, she dropped down to her knees, and I had to cajole her into getting up and walking again. because the sidewalks were really uneven, I had to keep telling her to step up, and every time I said step, she repeated it. it was so cute.

when I was holding Baby Ava before I left to drive back to philly, I told her that I lived her a lot. I told her that I believed in her, and I knew she was going to get better. I was pretty much bawling my eyes out the entire time I was talking to her.

on Monday, I had a doctor’s appointment in south jersey to get medical clearance for Bancroft. I had to get a tuberculosis test, and it was fairly uncomfortable. OH! apparently I have scoliosis, and no doctor I’ve ever seen noticed this. I mean, my spine is only slightly curved, but that seems like it’s sort of a big deal. anyway, the doctor said it shouldn’t be a big deal considering I’m done growing, so it shouldn’t get worse.

on the way home I called my mom to tell her that everything went okay. she was glad that everything was getting situated, but then she had bad news to tell me. Ava had a doctor’s appointment at the hospital to get her feeding tube changed (it can’t stay in for more than 4 days) and to get weighed to see how she’s progressing, if at all. during the appointment, she stopped breathing completely again, and she was taken to the ICU. after she was somewhat stable, they life-flighted her back to Geisinger. so now she’s back in the same boat. her white cell count spiked back up to 88,000 after only being around 34,000 on Saturday (normal white cell counts should be between 10-20,000). hopefully, it’s just a matter of time before she gets better.

Meet Isabella Grace

Isabella Grace Jones is the third installment to my collection of nieces. She was born on December 12, 2006. This is her being cute:

My parents/sister/grandfather/grandmother/aunt all agree on the fact that she looks a lot like I did when I was younger. Yeah, we’re both fuckin’ adorable.

The last time I was home before Baby Ava was born, I had a conversation with Isabella about how to survive being the youngest. I mean, I should know – I had two older sisters, and I turned out perfectly fine all right. I thought she understood; however, I was sadly mistaken after my visit home this weekend. She just didn’t get it, I guess. Oh well, she’s cute enough to make it in the world.

Isabella is a brute. I say that with the most enormous amount of love in the world (seriously, she’s my favorite – shhh), but she still is. She likes running into things. And throwing herself on the ground. And tackling her older sisters. And making big, violent messes by throwing things. Despite the fact that she’s been fully capable walking for 5 months or so, she regularly chases those who cannot walk at my sister’s daycare by crawling after them. She then proceeds to pull their legs out from under them:

She’s also a BAMF. She doesn’t like following instructions or listening when someone tells her not to do something. She takes great pleasure in getting in her two older sisters’ ways and preventing them from doing what they want to do. She likes to sit on the picnic table if they’re playing there and neither of them are paying attention to her:

She says lots of words for her age. She also does this super adorable thing where she acts just like Madelyn when she’s counting and taps the palm of her hand with her index finger and nods her head. It’s so cute to listen to her talk and mimic everyone else. She even says my name. She’s never said Mia’s name though, which should be super easy compared to Madelyn. I think she has a secret, personal vendetta against her. That just makes her even more badass.

Most importantly (and most like me!), she’s lazy. After a long, hard day of being cute, making trouble, and just overall being a BAMF, she likes to unwind in the recliner and watch some good, old-fashioned Barney (or whatever respectable kids her age watch) and suck on her binkie:

*Note: She always carries another binkie around with her because she likes to switch it up every now and again (even if they’re both exactly the same). She doesn’t judge you, so don’t judge her.